Balancing the Desire for Casual Encounters While Seeking a Meaningful Relationship
Being a gay man approaching 50, my life has involved many, mostly enjoyable years engaging in spontaneous encounters with other men since the age of 19. In my 30s, I had a serious relationship which continued for a significant period, however it never fully satisfied me, because I didn't experience love nor intimately fulfilled. Truthfully, I have always craved uncommitted intimacy. Every time I start seeing any man, once the newness fades, I always get the urge to have sex with other men once more.
Reflecting on the Possibility of Monogamy
Currently, I'm contemplating if I’ll ever be able to maintain a faithful partnership. I understand that many gay men engage in non-monogamous arrangements, but from my observations, they have seemed like hard work, often causing significant pain and jealousy for everyone involved. In many ways, I desire another man to love me while letting me pursue other intimacies, but I dread to imagine the psychological toll this might create. Is it best to continue to have casual sex and accept that a long-term relationship is not possible? I feel a bit lost.
Every person’s intimate path varies. Avoid considering of your relationship needs or your ability to handle various forms of intimate connections in a finite way. What you need as you are experiencing them now could easily shift in the future; at a certain time you may find yourself less ambivalent and find some clarity and a suitable route … or not. At some point you could encounter a person offering a life-changing chance to you by reflecting your desires completely … and later on you may choose that non-committal encounters suit you best. Fretting over what lies ahead and playing the “What if?” game is simply anxiety-based and squandering of your efforts. Aim to stay present with your partners, and see the value of each person you connect with intimately a sexual connection. When and if you are ever ready to strengthen genuine closeness with one partner, you will know.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly practices as a US-based therapy professional who specialises in treating intimacy issues.
